Before I gave birth I was panicking that I wasn't ready for the responsibility and because of that I was horrified I wasn't up to the task. Now after having had her I can't think of not having her and how this responsibility came so naturally after that moment.
Now that I put my experience and feelings out there here comes the educational part of the blog. Even though the first two paragraphs are very warm and fuzzy. Here's what happens when you get home from the hospital. Your stress level literally goes from 0 to 10. Not because the baby is fussy or she's difficult but because now that you have your baby you start thinking of all the what ifs that could happen like her getting ill or heaven forbid something horrible happens and you lose her. And that fear was enough to make me break into tears every time I heard that girl whimper. I'm a very laid back person and not a lot makes me tear up or get very emotional. But at this point I don't think it matters what kind of person you are, when you become a first time mother you turn spastic. I swear if my husband wasn't here and my mom didn't come down for a few weeks to help out I'd be a complete mess. So if anyone reading this feels or felt the same way I think this is normal.
Things about pregnancy they don't tell you. Number one being that 70% of women while giving birth poop on the table. Thank God this didn't happen to me but apparently it happens. I found this out about a month before and I think I was more afraid of that than the actual giving birth part. Number two, about 4-5 days after you have your baby your breasts swell and are freakishly misshapen-ed. They tell you about the swelling but they don't tell you the severity of it. Seriously looks like I paid a homeless person for breast implants. Number three, your stress level is very dependent on your environment. I was actually really comfortable at the hospital. Not because the room was nice or anything of which it wasn't bad. But if something happened you are surrounded by trained professionals to help your baby. You go from having that to going home and being more than fifteen minutes away from the hospital. Then you look at the state of your house and even if its not bad it is not up to your standards as a place you want your baby sitting around in therefore you freak out and start cleaning everything even though you just gave birth two-three days before and were specifically instructed to rest and not do anything strenuous. So you finally are at a place where you are comfortable in your home environment, now you have to take her out of that environment and go to the first doctors appointment for the baby. Stress level goes from a 3 to a 9, not because of risk of germ exposer but you are unable to be more than a foot away without looking at her to make sure she's still there. Because after the appointment you probably have errands to run. I was never so nervous in my life as I was in Sam's Club today. Because you know there are crazy people out there that steal babies.
I'm sure all that I'm feeling is normal. I'm learning how to deal with the stress, trying not to take it out on anyone around me and instead directing it to cleaning and keeping up with laundry to try work through it and tell myself I'm doing fine and it is working. But it doesn't matter how you slice it because it doesn't take much to make the stress level shoot up there again. Hopefully whoever is reading this has or has had a good support team because it helps a lot so the pressure isn't always on you.
I would do it all over again though. I would go through 24+ hours of labor all over again for her. And even though its only been six days after she was born I want another one. I'm sure after she's a couple months old and this moment will have faded a little in my memory I may not say the same. I am so lucky to have this little girl.
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